


Something Secondhand and Broken

by scorpioan



Category: Smash (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Season/Series 01, Self-Medication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-10-02 10:44:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17262818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpioan/pseuds/scorpioan
Summary: Boston had been a dark chapter in Ivy's life, though more had happened than most would have guessed. She had been alone when she decided to take the pills, but was she going to be alone when she woke up? If she woke up?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is just what popped into my head after I've rewatched the season 1 finale. I think there was so much more potential in Ivy's storyline, so here's my take on it. Hope you enjoy! Comments and feedback are very welcome as well (:  
> ~ Jo

It had been 35 hours and she still hasn’t woken up. All that time, Derek hadn’t left her side. He looked tired, simply because he _was_ tired but he was too scared to leave. Dark shadows were cast over his face as he sat slouched over in his chair. It wasn’t the most comfortable one - a plastic seat withmetal armrests that were way too hard to offer anyone a chance to relax in it - but Tom had occupied the only sofa in the room.

The soft humming of the machines dulled his senses while the constant beeping of the monitor kept his mind alert. He hasn’t slept since they arrived. Too great was the fear of not knowing what would happen next, and when it would happen. It could’ve been a matter of seconds or hours or days. No one knew. But still she hasn’t woken up.

Derek had lost track of time. He didn’t know whether it was day or night, morning or evening, light or dark outside. The room had a small window on the side but they’d kept the curtain shut. He guessed that that was what she’d have wanted. Engulfed in the darkness, her fragile body seemed less exposed to the eyes of those who came to visit her. He knew how much she hated to look weak in front of others.

Not many people knew about it; they hadn’t told anyone in the cast since information and rumors would have gotten out of hand too quickly. It was easier to keep everyone in the dark to avoid unnecessary questions and risks of leaks to the public. Bombshell has had enough bad headlines. When they'd arrived, he had texted Eileen, who told Tom, who then told Julia. She was the first one to visit, crying, asking whether there was anything she could do. Both Derek and Tom had shook their heads. Then came Eileen, who stared at the girl with a concerned look on her face, mixed with a little flash of pity in her eyes.

_What a tragic waste of talent._

That had been 6 hours ago and the room had been quiet ever since. Tom and Derek didn’t say a word to each other and it seemed like the air around them got heavier by the minute. Tom had just texted Julia their status. _Nothing new. She still hasn’t woken up._ When he looked up from his phone screen, he noticed how Derek’s head hung just a little lower than before and how his eyes were dangerously close to fluttering shut. Tom hadn’t seen him this vulnerable in a long time.

With a sigh he put his phone away. “Derek, I’m going to get us coffee,” Tom said as he stood up from his spot on the sofa. It wasn’t a question since he knew he wouldn’t get an answer. Derek lifted his head just enough to look at him. His eyes displayed the smallest hint of gratitude while he gave a curt nod.

Tom silently closed the door behind him and walked down the hallway. It was completely deserted, so it had been nighttime after all. There was a coffee vending machine in the next building about 15 minutes away but it would’ve been worth it. Their love for coffee was about the only thing that him and Derek had in common. Besides their love for Ivy of course.

Derek didn’t think that it would have been possible but without Tom the room seemed even emptier and… He tried to think of the right word. _Dead_. Derek never had been one to beat around the bush; he described things the way they were and said exactly what he thought, which was probably why there were so few people who were able to tolerate him. Not everyone can live with the truth, especially when it’s cold and brutally honest.

For a moment he paused his inner trail of thoughts so he could hear whether the monitor was still beeping. He had grown so accustomed to it that he had to concentrate to make out the sound. But there it was - he noticed with a relieved sigh - just as slow and steady as it had been the past hours.

He hadn’t given up hope yet, but he was holding on by barely a thread. _Things could be worse_ , he tried to tell himself.  
_S_ _he’s still alive. She hasn’t woken up yet, but she’s still alive._

“Why did you do it?” Derek quietly muttered to himself as he ran a hand over his face. It was frustrating him how he couldn’t understand her or figure out the situation. She seemed _fine_. Upset at times, but nothing that could have possibly led up to this. Now he wondered how much she had been hiding and not telling him.

Work had always come first in their relationship. He thought that she understood that and felt the same. He thought she understood that Karen and Rebecca needed his attention because he was their director. He didn’t think that she would need it too because she was his… He still hadn’t figure that part out yet. Whatever their status had been, it was hardly something that could be defined.

Derek stood up from his chair but had to pause for a minute since his legs were unwilling to move at first after being seated for so long. He slowly walked towards her bed, each step echoing through the silence of the almost empty room. She looked so small and fragile lying in that large hospital bed, surrounded by machines and tubes. His hand reached up to brush over her face; it still was as soft as he had remembered. As he grabbed her lifeless hand he wondered how he didn’t notice the changes. Were there any changes? She had been more distant, yes. Keeping their relationship solely on a professional level. They’d barely talked the past few days leading up to _this_. Should he have seen that as a sign?

Thoughts kept swirling in Derek’s head as his thumb slowly brushed over her hand. He thought he had seen it slightly twitch and move before but after staring at it for hours and hours, he was convinced that delusions had taken over reality. No one else had seen it.

He felt the slightest movement responding to his fingertips. _Stop Derek, you’re imagining things._ He didn’t dare to get his hopes up again. The first hours after she had been admitted were looking rather positive. They’d pumped the drugs out of her stomach and she seemed to have stabilized. She should have woken up after a few hours. A few turned into 10, 12, 24. A day had passed. Still nothing. 24 turned into 30, then 35. Still nothing. The doctors said her condition remained the same.

They said that all they could do now is wait and see. Tom had to hold him back then, in order for him not to punch the poor nurse delivering the news. They had been waiting. Counting the minutes to no end but nothing was happening. He’d wondered when they would turn off the machines. _48 hours? 62 hours? A week?_

Derek was tired. So incredibly tired. His thoughts were barely cohesive for it seemed like his brain had shut down a long time ago. All he wanted was for her to wake up. _And sleep_. He wanted nothing more than that. His fogged mind could hardly process the actions of his body. He felt himself kneeling on the floor next to her bed, his hand never leaving hers. His chin was resting on the mattress as his eyes fluttered shut and he finally allowed darkness to swallow him up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy! Please feel free to comment and review (:  
> ~ Jo

Derek woke to the scent of coffee filling the room. Tom must have been back. He hadn’t heard him come in or close the door. When he looked around, his assumption was confirmed. Tom was sitting on the couch holding his cup of coffee in his hand. The other one had been placed on the chair. The smallest hint of a smile was playing on Tom’s face as he watched the scene before him. It made him happy to see the man whom Ivy loved take care of her. He just wished it had been under different circumstances. 

He wanted to ask whether there were any news regarding her condition but it was too disheartening to hear him say  _no_  every time, so he kept quiet.

“Coffee?” he asked instead, switching to a much lighter topic. Derek nodded curtly and gladly accepted the cup from Tom’s outstretched hand. Just as he was about to grab the cup his vision faded to black again.

 

* * *

 

 

Derek awoke suddenly and unpleasantly, leaving him wondering what had happened. He quickly looked around the room and noticed that he still was kneeling next to hospital bed, his fingers entangled with hers. He must have fallen asleep for only a few minutes, since he found - to his surprise - that Tom hadn’t been back from his coffee run. The room was just as empty as before.

His head turned back to the girl on the bed. She almost looked peaceful lying there. Somewhat pale and vulnerable but yet peaceful. Something that couldn’t have been said about the past few weeks. It had been like everyday she went through a new whirlwind of emotions with which he couldn’t keep up. Maybe if he’d have actually listened to and cared about what she was complaining about, they wouldn’t have to be in this situation. He realized with a pang of guilt that there must have been something he could have done to prevent it. All he could do now was pray that it wasn’t too late.

Derek had been deeply wrapped up in his own thoughts when he felt the slightest movement beneath his fingertips. He immediately jerked his head up to look at his hand, which has been intertwined with Ivy’s the past minutes.  _It couldn’t be, could it?_ He rubbed his eyes in disbelief and blinked several times so that they could adjust to seeing in the dark.  _There it was again._ It was barely noticeable but her fingers were shifting back and forth, up and down, drawing invisible patterns in the air. With each second the movement seemed to intensify. Derek tightened his grasp on her hand, now holding on tightly as if it was his last string of hope. Whatever happened, he wouldn’t let go.

“Ivy,” he whispered as he leaned forward to look at her face. Her eyes were still closed, her face as peaceful as ever, showing no indication of her possibly waking up. But her fingers were moving, occasionally brushing against his skin, sending shivers down his spine each time they made contact. He had waited so long for this moment.

“Ivy,” he said again as his free hand reached up to stroke her cheek.  
“It’s time to wake up, darling.” His fingers traveled to her hair, lightly massaging the scalp like he knew she loved. She’d always smile when he did it. He would give everything to see her smile like that again. It had almost scared him how her smile never failed to warm his heart, no matter how grumpy his mood had been. She radiated a genuine happiness with it that infected him, and left him cold and lonely whenever she wasn’t around.

She was one of the very few people who actually were able to make him smile. She understood how his brain worked, why he did things the way he did them without ever judging him. It wasn’t easy for him to open up to other people or let alone talk about his feelings and she’d never pushed him to. That probably was the reason why he had always shown up at her doorstep whenever he was in trouble or drunk, or both. There was something about her that was so  _comforting_. 

She’d never failed to pull him back on his feet again, and he too had tried to push her to be the best performer she could’ve been. But the more time passed, the more he believed that he had pushed her too hard. That he had demanded too much from her in the short time she was given. That he had pushed her so much that she’d cracked.  _Was it his fault that she was like this now?_ He quickly shook his head. Ivy wasn’t broken; she was the strongest person he’d ever known. Something as futile as a role in a show wasn’t something that would throw her off like that, was it?

His trail of thoughts was interrupted when he noticed her lashes fluttering. His breath caught in his throat as he leaned forward to get a closer look of her face. There was slight movement behind her eyelids though her eyes remained closed. Derek could hear his heart beating in his chest as he was counting down the seconds. They seemed to stretch to an eternity, leaving him anxious more than anything. 

Slowly, almost painfully slow, her eyes began to open. Derek didn’t dare to blink for he feared that he might miss the moment when he finally could see her blue eyes again. For now, they were unfocused as she blinked rapidly in order to adjust to the dim brightness of the room. Once she’d vaguely succeeded at that, she directed her gaze straight ahead.

Derek’s face was mere inches away from hers. Her eyes widened in surprise and shock, completely overwhelmed by his presence as well as the unknown environment as the beeping of the heart monitor quickened. It took her a couple of seconds and deep breaths to find her composure and calm down again. When she realized that she was lying in a hospital bed, she frantically looked around the room trying to find a source of familiarity and comfort. Her gaze came to rest on Derek’s face again. A look of concern was painted on it though he tried to mask it.

“Are you alright, darling?” His voice was soothing to her ears. It seemed as if she hasn’t heard it for too long. She opened her mouth to phrase an answer but couldn’t find the strength to actually make a sound. Her throat was dry from not using it for so long and it appeared to be incredibly difficult to form words.  _How long had she been asleep?_

Derek immediately noticed her struggle and promptly turned to grab her a glass of water. His sense of observation had always been astonishing to her. When he returned with the cold drink, she gladly accepted it and slowly took a few sips. It was an unfamiliar feeling when the water washed away the dryness in her throat but she almost instantly felt better and more awake.  
“Thank you,” she whispered with a smile as she handed him back the empty glass.

For a few moments they sat in silence. Her thoughts began to wander as she tried to make sense of her current situation.  _What had happened? What was he doing here? Why… Oh - the pills._  The memory came crashing down and hit her so hard that she shuddered. Pulling her blanket closer to her chest, she could feel tears well up in her eyes and she quickly lowered her gaze. The last thing she needed now was for him to see her cry. But of course he noticed that something was wrong. Hesitantly, he took a step towards her, probably contemplating whether it was right for him to comfort her or leave her alone. He decided on the former, which she was extremely grateful for.

There were a million questions racing through her head and she needed them answered before they would make her brain explode. Derek sat down on the bed beside her, his eyes never leaving her face. She’d tried to scoot over but he grabbed her hand, indicating for her to stay. His hand on hers had been cold, it always had been, but she liked it that way.

Ivy concentrated her thoughts on her breathing before she decided to speak. She knew that what would come next wouldn’t be easy for both of them. Whatever had happened back in her dressing room in Boston was a dark chapter in her book that she wished she could avoid altogether. But she had to know first what really happened.

She had trouble finding the right words to say as she opened her mouth several times but closed it just as quickly again. She could feel his thumb brushing over her hand, reassuring her to take her time.

“Did… Were you the one who found me?” The thought of someone else, someone from the ensemble or worse - Karen, finding her truly horrified her. She had done many things she wasn’t proud of but never has she been this vulnerable, this flawed, this  _broken_  before. His grip on her hand tightened as she felt herself shaking slightly. She was scared, completely and utterly mortified.

When she looked up from her lap, she immediately noticed how dark his expression has gotten. His brows were deeply furrowed in thought and his lips formed one grim line. When he felt her gaze on him, he sighed and ran his free hand through his messy hair. It was more than evident to her that he didn’t want to talk about this.

Another sigh and another second of silence until he finally answered.  
“Yes.” It was more of a low grumble than an actual word but she understood and relief flooded her senses. Her shoulders slouched forward as she felt the tension in her back slightly lessen. Whatever had happened, she knew that her secret was safe with him.

“Can you tell me about it?” She knew that this wasn’t a particularly easy task, especially for Derek, but it frustrated her how she didn’t know anything that has happened within the past couple of hours. Or was it days? Another thing she would have to ask, she noted mentally. Derek also knew that there was no way around it for she’d keep asking him until he gave in. 


	3. Chapter 3

It was the day of their Boston previews. Ivy felt that there was something off. It wasn’t just pre-show jitters or panic because the book still wasn’t finished. Something had felt very wrong the moment she woke up. So she decided to swallow two pills to calm her anxiety before breakfast. Since the incident at Heaven on Earth she didn’t dare to take more before performing. It was the ounce of dignity she’d tried to hold onto.

The show had been a blur of cues, quick changes, more cues, and trying to remember the ever-changing lyrics and choreography. The only thing Ivy remembered as clear as day, was their opening number; the first song the audience would hear. Let Me Be Your Star. It was supposed to be her song, her moment to shine. But instead it had been handed over to Karen Cartwright.

It had also been her callback song. Ivy scoffed at how pathetic she was back then. She’d actually believed that getting this role - getting to play Marilyn - would turn her into a star. Now all she was, was just another chorus girl, who acted as a backup dancer for the star or sang harmonies to match the star’s melody. _Pathetic_. At least Karen could manage to change her own costumes without her helping. It was degrading what Derek had asked of her. She was a trained actress with years of experience on Broadway. She was Leigh Conroy’s daughter, which meant that she basically had theatre legacy running through her veins.

Maybe that was the problem. She was her daughter but she wasn’t _her_. She was too short, too curvy, too blonde, too brassy sounding. Everything the casting directors didn’t want. They were looking for dainty little creatures with doe eyes and fresh faces that would enchant the audience with their princess-like charms. _Refreshing_ was what they’d called it. Which meant that she must have been exhausting or tiring to look at. Great. Now at least she knew why no one was hiring her.

 _At least I’m acceptable enough to be in the chorus_ , Ivy thought jeeringly as she looked in the mirror. A pair of tired looking eyes stared back at her. I _can see why they don’t want me_ , she continued her thoughts and though the revelation did shock her, it came with a sense of relief. At least now she could stop hoping and wishing and dreaming of being the star.

Derek had told her the same. Karen just had something she didn’t. She had that something that turned people into stars and Ivy just wasn’t born with it. Leigh’s theatre genes must have all ended up with Jimmy, she thought laughing bitterly. It made her wonder whether she changed her name because she wanted to make it on her own - without her mother’s fame opening otherwise closed doors to her - or was it because she wanted to save herself the embarrassment that Leigh Conroy’s daughter’s career just kind of flopped.

Ivy shook her head. This had been her last chance. All the odds were in her favor. She had Tom and Julia on her side, who at least in the beginning actually wrote the musical with her in mind. She had Derek wrapped around her finger though it probably had been the other way round the whole time. But she had the role. A role that was made for her and mirrored her own life like no other. She’d never gotten this close to being the lead before.

But then suddenly everything seemed to came crashing down. The show hadn’t been the only downwards spiral in her life. By now, her relationship with Derek was practically nonexistent as he took interest in every woman other than her. He’d cheated on her and it broke her heart. She’d cheated on him and he probably didn’t even know. But Karen did and she despised her for it. Just another relationship in her life that was strained.

And then there were the pills. She knew that by now she was depending on them to get her through the day. It wasn’t the prednisone; her voice was fine and she’d stopped taking it weeks ago, what couldn’t have been said about all the other medication she’d gotten. She’d lost track of what she was taking. Some mixture of uppers and downers that were enough to keep her nerves calm and give her energy to perform. More often than not she would top that of with a glass of liquor just because it made her feel like more of an adult. It wasn’t the healthiest cocktail she could think of but she’d gotten to a point where she accepted anything that would get her out of bed and to work in the morning.

It made her wonder whether it all was worth it. All of the hard work she’d put in to help build and shape this show just to be left behind again. Marilyn hadn’t been much older than her now when she had lost control of all the pills and medications she was taking. The only difference had been that Marilyn was a star, and Ivy Lynn was destined to be stuck in the chorus forever. A nation mourns the loss of a star. But a chorus girl? They’d just replace her with a snap of a finger; the next girl just waiting in line to take her place. No one would even notice. The audience surely wouldn’t. Producers wouldn’t. Critics wouldn’t. Derek wouldn’t, being too preoccupied with taking care of his _star_.

Her friends, half of whom probably hated her and were fed up by her constant mood swings, would get over it. Her mother, who probably was glad to be rid of that embarrassment of a daughter, would get over it. Ivy realized that she didn’t really have anyone else caring about her. Since she can think, the theatre had been her life and her life was the theatre. She’d put everything she had into it no matter the cost.

The next time Ivy looked up there were tears in her eyes. The truth had been hard and cold but there was no way denying it. She was alone in this. She and her pills and her pictures of Marilyn. _Pathetic_. _Trying to copy someone I could never be._

Her hand was surprisingly steady when she grabbed the orange bottle of pills and unscrewed it. She’d just gotten the new dosage from her doctor, so the bottle was almost entirely full. Without thinking, she poured the sleeping pills into her left palm. The white round pills piled on top of each other, barely fitting in her hand.

She offered one last look in the mirror. It had almost been scary how determined her eyes looked. She could hear the show’s final song blasting from outside her dressing room. Don’t Forget Me. Funny how accurate that seemed at that moment, but Ivy chose to ignore it. The song was nearing its end, the orchestra slowly increasing in volume, as Karen was about to hit the final note. _It will be over soon._

Ivy picked up two pills and dry swallowed them, but then decided to down the rest with the leftover vodka from their cast party the day before. She could feel the burning sensation in her throat but welcomed the numbing feeling the alcohol provided her with. _At least I’ll get one thing about Marilyn right,_ Ivy thought smiling to herself. Soon enough the pills in her hand were gone. She felt drowsy, her eyelids were heavy and her head was too fuzzy to form cohesive thoughts.

Instinct took over her next movements. She pulled out two more bottles from her bag though she couldn’t remember what they were for. And frankly, she didn’t care. One of them was only half full but mixed with the alcohol it should still be enough. Ivy didn’t bother to pour the contents into her hand this time. She knew she didn’t have much time left. Within half a minute she managed to down both bottles of pills as well as the leftover vodka.

Ivy leaned back in her chair as her vision started swimming. It was probably the mixture of the alcohol and exhaustion. But the pills would kick in soon enough too. It was an almost comforting thought to her, though she wondered how she’d been able to think at all with her head so heavy. Ivy felt her body tipping over, her bodyweight now supported by her arms and the table. A feeling of nausea crept up her throat but before she could throw up her body was drowned in darkness. The last thing she could faintly hear was the roaring applause of the audience and tiniest sense of pride filled her. _It’s almost like they’re clapping for me._


	4. Chapter 4

It had been 30 seconds to curtain call. The whole cast was waiting in the wings ready to take their bows in front of the audience until Bobby looked around, once, twice, then again and quickly turned to Jessica.

“Where’s Ivy?” he whispered, slight panic in his voice. At that, Jessica frantically began to scan every cast member before shaking her head.

“She isn’t here,” she said, somehow managing to sound surprised and desperate at the same time. They had 15 seconds until curtain call and the ensemble was up first.

The others around them soon enough caught on to what was happening and a frenzy of whispers erupted. Just as fast as it started, it was gone again when they noticed that Derek was standing right next to them, looking beyond furious.

“What the bloody hell is going on here?” his voice beamed over their heads. Bobby only prayed that audience didn’t hear it. Jessica was the first one to speak up.

“Ivy’s not here.”

Though it seemed impossible, Derek’s face appeared to be even angrier than before. Without saying another word, he turned and stormed off.

“Wherever she is, she better have a damn good excuse because Derek’s going to kill her,” Bobby quietly said to Jessica, who worriedly stared into the direction Derek had just left.

Derek was fuming when he rushed through the hallway to the dressing rooms. He was more than fed up with all the diva behavior that had been going on since they arrived in Boston. First Rebecca, then Karen, and now Ivy too. It had been difficult enough to create the show without dealing with the incompetence of actors being thrown in his way.

Once he reached the female dressing room, he stormed through the door without bothering to knock. Those were courtesies that were reserved for other occasions. He almost thought the room to be empty when his gaze fell on a small frame in a chair, upper body resting almost entirely on the dressing table. It was easy to tell that it had been Ivy since no one else had hair that was this shade of light blond. It was sprawled out over her back, covering her face and some of her arms.

If he hadn’t known Ivy better, he would have thought she would be asleep. Though something didn’t seem right. Something hadn’t been right for quite some time although he’d been too busy to fully pay attention to it. Nevertheless, Derek had noticed how there’d been something different about Ivy the past few days. It wasn’t noticeable in her performance since she had been as great as always. There was no denying her talent. But it had been on the rare occasions when he got to talk to her, face to face.

When he’d told her about why he chose Karen over her. Her reaction had been calmer than he had expected though he of course knew that she wouldn’t throw a tantrum in front of everyone. Still, it had surprised him how she accepted that fact that - in his eyes - Karen had something that she didn’t. It almost seemed like she wasn’t entirely there at that moment, her eyes glazed over when she turned to leave.

Or that day of rehearsal when she arrived over 30 minutes late, which was very uncharacteristic for Ivy, unless her mother was involved. He had noticed how she’d walked into the theatre looking utterly defeated but still trying to put on a happy front. He saw how broken she looked as she sat down, two rows in front of everyone, isolating herself from her friends.

Something had been off and though Derek couldn’t put his finger on it, he was convinced that this wasn’t the Ivy he knew. He slowly took steps towards her as if not to startle her. The closer he got, the more his anger changed into deep worry and concern. But it wasn’t until he stood right beside her when he noticed the empty pill bottles that were carelessly tossed on the floor around her. That was when panic settled in.

He quickly grabbed her by the shoulder, pulling her body backwards into his arms. His fingers immediately reached to her neck to check her pulse. He sighed with relief when he felt the slight beating beneath the skin. It was weak but present. Once the shock of that had worn off, Derek pulled himself together to think clearly.

He didn’t have any time and couldn’t risk his emotions clouding his actions. Someone would be looking for them soon. Derek didn’t want to risk anyone seeing her in this state. He knew how upset she’d be about it _if_ \- _no, when_ \- she woke up. Without wasting another second, he quickly grabbed the pill bottles off the floor and stuffed them in his jacket pocket. Then he scooped her limb body up from the chair, holding her as close to his chest as possible. Her face was buried in his shirt while her arm weakly dangled from her body. It had been sheer willpower that he hadn’t freaked out yet.

His instincts told him to get out of the dressing room as quickly as possible but he knew better than to storm into the hallway without checking whether someone was there. Carefully, he slid the door open with his foot and peaked outside. The whole backstage area seemed deserted. The cast must have still been onstage for curtain call.

Derek’s feet almost automatically wound their way through corridors and staircases until they reached his dressing room. As soon as he got there, he cautiously placed her on his little couch in the middle of the room and swiftly turned to lock the door. The moment he heard the sound of the lock clicking into place, he slouched over, forehead rested against the door. This wasn’t anything that he’d thought would happen.

All Derek wanted to do was help her. So it frustrated him to no end that there was nothing he could actually do. He had no choice but to pull out his phone and quickly dial 911, demanding an ambulance _now_ , he added with a growl. Whatever she had taken, it was clear that this was serious and completely out of his hands.

When he walked back to where her unconscious body was lying on the couch, he felt shaky and completely lost. It seemed so uncharacteristic that the person in front of him was Ivy. He couldn’t wrap his brain around the fact that she might be… He didn’t dare to finish that thought.

His hand was shaking when he gently grabbed hers. He wouldn’t allow this to happen. _Please don’t leave me_. It was all he could repeat in his head over and over again. For the first time he allowed himself to actually, really care about her. Whatever feelings he’d felt before were always for the sake of their work. But this was different; this was serious. His heart was aching when he realized how much she meant to him.

Derek crouched down on the floor besides her, letting go of her hand for a split second to place two fingers on her neck again to check her pulse. It was still there, just as weak as before. It had been the only good sign there was. It had been the only thing that kept him from having a panic attack.

The minutes waiting for the paramedics seemed like an eternity of torture and his mind was wandering all over the place. Their first encounter to their first kiss; moments after moments, memories flashing before his eyes. He tried to think back to the last time he’d seen her. It couldn’t have been so long ago, since she had just performed Smash! onstage, which was her last song before curtain call. Maybe if he had come looking for her earlier, he could have avoided this.

Maybe if he hadn’t been so harsh on her, he could have avoided this. Maybe if he hadn’t pushed her away and shut her out whenever she wanted to talk to him, this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe if he hadn’t been so caught up in trying to fix the show, trying to make it perfect no matter its cost, everything would have been fine. Guilt and blame came crashing down on him. He began to wonder whether or not this actually was his doing.


	5. Chapter 5

“Derek,” the soft sound of his name snapped him out of his thoughts. It took him a few seconds to register what had happened and to whom the voice belonged. Ivy. She was awake. He looked up at her from his position on the floor and cupped her face in his hands just to make sure she was real.

After all this time waiting, she was finally awake again. He opened his mouth to say something but quickly closed it again when he noticed that she wanted to speak. She had to swallow several times and take a deep breath before she could make a sound. Her throat still felt incredibly raw.           

“I’m sorry you had to find me like that,” she finally said, looking down at her lap. It had been genuine and Derek felt how embarrassed she was for it.           

“Shh, it’s over now. Don’t think about it anymore,” he gently whispered to her, although he knew that neither of them would be able to forget. Slowly, he placed his index finger under her chin, lifting her head so that her eyes could meet his. Gazing directly at her blue orbs he felt the sadness and shame radiating off of them.

“What’s wrong?” he asked while his thumb ran over her cheek to catch a single tear that had fallen. He didn’t want to press her to talk but he knew that they had to discuss it sooner or later. They couldn’t afford to keep any more secrets from each other.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-” there was a slight pause as she struggled to find the right wording.

“I never wanted to cause this much trouble. I just wanted to- I mean it was- It just hurt, a lot,” she was stumbling through words and phrases but Derek knew exactly what she’d meant to say.

Saying it out loud still didn’t make Ivy feel better. There was too much left between the lines that needed to be smoothed out and she wondered if they ever could. She felt ridiculous for trying to take her own life, _trying to imitate Marilyn_ , and for getting caught by him out of all people. He was the kind of person who would scoff at stories like that and yet here she was, trying to make up a reason for why she did it.

Her head was hurting; probably a mixture of overthinking and the remainder of the pills in her system. She decided to move to a slightly lighter topic.

“How was the show?” she asked, hoping that Derek would let their previous topic go.

She could see him frowning in surprise at her question. He hadn’t expected her to want to walk about the show. Not since he’d given the role to Karen. Derek wasn’t sure what answer she was anticipating or why she was asking in the first place.

“Eileen said that they managed to cover for you so nobody noticed during curtain call,” he carefully responded, quietly trailing off at the end, still uncertain what exactly she wanted to hear. _Of course they didn’t_ , she thought almost laughing at the thought. Who would notice a chorus girl missing?

She mentally kicked herself for asking him, since the question did nothing to lighten her or his mood. There was an air of slight awkwardness hanging around them and she could feel his eyes staring at her.

“It’s yours when you come back,” Derek suddenly said, breaking the silence. When he noticed the look of confusion on her face, he added “Marilyn.”

“What? Why?” Confusion blended into shock as she tried to process what he was saying. Was he really indicating that she was going to play Marilyn? Now, after all that has happened?

“I just thought that’s what you wanted,” Derek’s voice was quiet and calculated when he formed his response but it was hard to ignore the look of disarray in his eyes. He had expected a slightly happier reaction from her or at least something that lightened her mood.

“Of course that’s what I wanted and you know that!” She didn’t give him time to respond.

“But I don’t want it because you pity me! Or do you feel like I’m suddenly worthy of the part because I took all those pills and tried to kill myself like Marilyn did?” her voice cracked at the end.

She could feel herself getting worked up and accusing him for all the wrong reasons. She knew that she was blowing this out of proportion but there had been too much hurt pent up in the last few days. She knew that she’d later feel guilty for blaming all of this on him but at that moment it was the only thing she could say.

“You should have just left me,” her voice was barely above a whisper, and at first she wasn’t sure whether he had even heard her. Her eyes had been downcast and she didn’t dare to lift them to look at his face. She felt ungrateful saying it but it was true. Nothing had changed. She was still the same girl she was before; the girl in the chorus, who wasn’t good enough, who never got the part.

Ivy could feel herself getting furious, though it was mostly directed at herself and her lack of ability. Nevertheless, she decided to place it on Derek. He broke her heart. He had somehow managed to get under her skin and hurt her like few people had before. _Why was he suddenly so concerned about her wellbeing?_ It’s not like he’d cared before. He surely must have plenty more important things to worry about than this, Ivy thought.           

Derek still didn’t say a word. Maybe she should move on to another topic and act like nothing happened. Or maybe he secretly agreed with her and was now contemplating how much he regretted his actions. _Stop it, Ivy. You’re being paranoid._ He surely wouldn’t think that way, Ivy tried to assure herself. Nevertheless, in the back of her mind a tiny voice kept reminding her of how happy he’d looked with Rebecca and Karen, and how cold he’d been to her.

Derek tried to process what he had just heard. He kept repeating the sentence in his head over and over, trying to somehow make sense of it. Did that mean that she actually wanted to die? _Still wanted to die?_ He couldn’t wrap his head around any reason for it though. He had told her that he would give her the role. After what had happened he didn’t want to be the one to deny her of her happiness again.

“Ivy,” he said softly, slowly, almost unsure how to continue.

“I told you the part is yours. You can come back and be the star. I never wanted to-“. His carefully phrased answer was cut short when Ivy looked at him, her eyes blazing with hurt and anger.

“Don’t you understand, Derek? This isn’t about the show. It’s about so much more than that,” she snapped as she turned on her side, facing away from him. It was frustrating how he didn’t understand why she had felt the way she did.

Ivy knew she was stronger than breaking down over not getting a role. Had it hurt her? Yes. Had it made her cry? Yes. But had that been the end of the road for her? No.

Ivy broke down because her heart had been broken, but not only by Derek. Though he had been quite good at kicking the dog when it was down. It had been everyone around her - family and friends - who overnight decided that she wasn’t good enough. She’d never felt lonelier before.

Suddenly everyone had been _Karen this-, Karen that-_ , and she couldn’t help but feel jealous. She knew that it was selfish but she still hurt because it was supposed to be her moment to shine. She had waited so long for it and she knew the whole show. But instead, everyone seemed so happy for Karen.

“Enlighten me then,” he said and though Ivy couldn’t see him, she immediately noticed the edge in his voice. He was getting frustrated too.

She didn’t want to have this discussion with him since it seemed to be pointless anyway. She felt as if half of the things she said were still affected by the pills and the last thing she wanted now was to get into a fight with Derek.                 

She sighed, trying to brush off the topic.

“I don’t have to explain myself to you,” she attempted to say it as gently as the situation allowed but it still came out brusquer than intended. She was ready to mumble an apology when she felt movement behind her back.

Then, a couple of seconds after, she heard his footsteps echoing through the room. Ivy didn’t want to turn around because she couldn’t bear to see him walk away from her. She hadn’t meant to say what she’d said and cursed at herself for letting her emotions get the better of her. She also should have known that Derek wouldn’t ever deal with anything she confronted him with. He always walked away from conflicts.

Ivy was holding her breath, waiting to hear the sound of the door opening and closing again, indicating that Derek had left. To her surprise that sound never came. Instead she heard the creaking of a chair as someone sat down. At that, Ivy whipped her head around and hastily sat up although the sudden movement made her head spin. Once her vision focused, she saw Derek sitting in his chair on the opposite side of the bed.

He looked absolutely furious. Ivy knew that if they weren’t in a hospital and with her in this condition, he would have said something harsh and hurtful to her. She also knew that he was holding back because he couldn’t predict her actions anymore. She had been a bundled mess of unstableness, pills, and too many mistakes in the past weeks. She almost was a completely different person to the ambitious blonde he had first met.

“I’m-“ Ivy tried to apologize but was cut off by the sound of the door opening. This time she slowly turned her head to the right, not sure what she was expecting to see there.


	6. Chapter 6

“Ivy!” Tom almost screamed her name as he barged into the room, two cups of coffee in either of his hands. He quickly handed them over to Derek as he practically ran over to her bed.

“Don’t you dare scare me like this again,” he said, hugging her as tightly as humanly possible. “I was so worried about you.”

She flashed him one of her smiles that would fool anybody into thinking she was the happiest person alive, but Derek grimly noticed how it didn’t reach her eyes. It hadn’t done so in quite some time though he had always chosen not to comment on it.

“I’m sorry, Tom,” she said, and she genuinely sounded so.

“I didn’t mean to scare anyone,” she quietly mumbled as her eyes quickly glanced over at Derek and then sank to her lap again. What happened left her more embarrassed and guilty than she’d ever felt before. She hated how now people knew her true feelings and how broken she was.

“It’s fine, Ivy,” Tom answered with a sigh, but they both knew it really wasn’t even though he was trying to make her feel better.

“Just promise me you won’t go off and do something this stupid again,” he said, trying to smile but his eyes were sternly looking at her in all seriousness. She knew she’d be in big trouble if she said something wrong.

Ivy knew that he deserved better. He’d always been there for her and she couldn’t afford losing him now. But whatever mess she was in right now or whatever plans she’d set out for herself, she knew it wasn’t worth giving up her friendship with Tom. She needed him to forgive her so that she could get better.

Reaching out her arms, Ivy pulled Tom into a tight hug.

“Please forgive me,” she whispered in his ear.

“I never meant to hurt or worry you like that”. The words escaping her mouth came straight from her heart and for the first time she actually believed that there still was something left for her to hold onto. Through everything that had happened, her friendship with Tom had never failed her. He had never broken her heart.

She quickly closed her eyes as her thoughts threatened to drift off to the only other person in the room. _Why couldn’t she stop thinking about him?_ Out of the corner of her eye she glanced at him, trying to read his expression and figuring out what he was thinking.

His face looked the same as ever. A blank mask that indicated no emotion behind it whatsoever though his brows were furrowed the slightest bit. When he noticed Ivy’s glance on him, he dropped his head and got up from the chair he was sitting in the past 10 minutes.

Before Ivy could say something, the door had opened and closed again, and Derek had left. Although she wouldn’t admit it to herself, it had hurt her more than it probably should have. But it had always been too easy for him to toy with her feelings.

Tom noticed how Ivy was staring at the door for just a little too long. _These two are going to be the death of me_ , Tom thought while taking a deep breath. He was convinced that he was the only adult in this situation.

“Look Ivy,” he sighed.

“You know I would be the last person to say this if it weren’t true. But please, just try to be nice to Derek for now. He has had a really tough time ever since - you know - and if he’s a little grumpy it’s probably just because he hasn’t slept in over two days, so don’t worry about it.”

Ivy carefully listened to Tom’s words. She knew the situation was serious when he was saying a remotely nice thing about Derek. Cursing inwardly, she thought back to their conversation they had when she’d just woken up. Whatever Tom had meant by “try to be nice”, she had already failed at that.

Then another thing hit her. Two days. Tom had said that Derek hasn’t slept in over two days, which must have meant that she’d been asleep for all of that time. It honestly hadn’t felt that long. She could feel panic creeping up when she realized that she had just missed two days of her life. Those days were gone and nothing she would do could bring them back.

Had Derek also been in her room all that time, watching over her? There probably must have been some point where he believed that she wouldn’t wake up again. Now, Ivy understood why they had been so worried about her and she felt even guiltier than before.

She had been selfish when thinking that she had to bear all her pain on her own. She had forgotten that there still were people who cared about her, at least so much that they haven’t left her side through all of it.

Ivy wanted to apologize to Derek for what she’d said earlier when she had woken up. She could only imagine what he’d been through because of her and how she’d flipped it back on him wasn’t fair. _Why do I keep ruining every relationship I have?_ Ivy sighed heavily at the loss of control she felt.

This was why she was taking the pills in the first place. To push all her feelings back down and keep up a perfectly controlled front. But instead, they made her so emotionally unstable that an outcome like this had almost been predictable.

It had been a wake up call, and Ivy knew that when she’d get out of the hospital she would have to face reality and stone cold sobriety, no matter how much it’d hurt. She had to take matters into her own hands and fix the damage she had caused the past few weeks.

With this newly set mentality in mind she decided that it was time for her to get out of bed. Although she still felt quite drowsy and light-headed, she pulled herself together and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. Even before she could fully stand up, Tom was alert and rushing to her side to help her.

“Are you sure you want to get up already?” Tom looked at her with concern though still helping her place her feet on the ground. She nodded her head in dedication and gladly accepted his supporting hands. The moment her knees were straightened it felt like she had never stood before in her life. Her legs were wobbly and shaky, weakened by lying down for so long. Her muscles tensed and she had to pull all her strength together not to sit back down again.

Tom noticed her struggle but didn’t say a word. He simply held her up by her two hands and waited for her to make the next move. It took her a couple of seconds of silence, deep breaths, and trying to get used to moving her legs again before she could actually take a step. It was tiny at first, more of a shift of weight than a step forward, but nevertheless Ivy was glad that she’d made it out of bed.

Each of the following steps she took became steadier and more determined. After around ten minutes of practice, she felt the familiar feeling of walking return to her legs and could actually do so without Tom’s help. Even though he stopped holding her hand, he never left her side and closely observed and followed each movement she made. 

Ivy had reached the door and was ready to open it when she heard Tom’s voice.

“Where are you going?” he said, though it sounded like he already knew the answer to that. Ivy hadn’t thought of intentionally leaving the room. It was more like her body’s instinct to get out of those tiny four walls.

“I want to get some fresh air,” Ivy said though they both knew that it was only half the truth. Tom looked at her expectedly, waiting for her to continue.

“And I have to find Derek. I need to apologize to him,” she added, even though she knew that Tom wouldn’t be happy about it. He looked like he wanted to protest but soon realized that it would be no use arguing with Ivy over this. She’d go to find him, one way or another.

Before leaving, Ivy turned around to smile at him thankfully. One of the things she loved most about Tom was how well he understood her, even in moments when he didn’t agree with her. She quickly closed the door behind her and tried to gather her thoughts.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter (: It's a bit more action driven than the past ones.  
> And in case the characters seem a bit ooc and strange in this one, it's because this chapter is based on a dream I had a couple of nights ago and I really wanted to somehow incorporate it into this story. I tried my best.. hope you like it!  
> ~ Jo

The hallway was just as dark as her room - the one window on the far end let in no light, indicating that it was still nighttime - and it did nothing to lift her mood. On the contrary, the air was even colder than inside her room and she was shivering in her thin hospital gown. She wished that she had taken a jacket with her to at least cover her bare arms.

Ivy wasn’t sure which way to turn. Both were deserted and quiet and looked almost identical. Derek could have been anywhere by now. For a split second she contemplated whether she should just return to her room and wait for him to come back. But who knew when that would be. A small part in the back of her mind couldn’t stop thinking that he could have just left and wouldn’t return at all. She quickly shook her head at that and pushed the thought away. No, she had to talk to him now.

She decided to trust her instincts and walk down the corridor on the right-hand side. Something about it seemed less eerie than the other way, although Ivy still didn’t feel anywhere near at ease. She inwardly yelled at herself to get a grip and stop acting like a child. After all, it was just a hospital wing; why would she have any reason to be scared?

The fact that the only sounds she could hear were the soft patting of her bare feet against the tiled floor as well as her own breathing didn’t do anything to lift her fear though. It almost seemed to be too quiet. Where was everyone? _Or rather, where was Derek?_ She swiftly wrapped her arms around her body, trying to shield herself from the cold as she picked up the pace, determined to get out of the hallway as quickly as possible.

With her mind occupied with thoughts of her earlier conversation with Derek, she almost subconsciously wound her way through more and more corridors. In the dark, they all looked nearly identical and Ivy’s heartbeat quickened when she realized that she had no idea where she was. How far had she wandered off and away from her room?

Her senses seemed dulled since she could hardly see or hear anything. It only heightened the prickling cold sensation she felt against her bare feet. There still was a lingering drowsiness that hung over her while her legs felt tired and protested to move any further. It wasn’t until she’d closed her eyes that she noticed that her whole body was shivering, though she couldn’t quite determine the reason behind it. Was it the cold? Or the fear? Or the exhaustion? Probably all of them.

Ivy felt as if she was floating. Though the cold nagging at her skin was just enough to keep her awake. Suddenly, she heard a high-pitched cry somewhere in the distance yet close enough to send a shiver down her spine. Her eyes snapped open in shock and she immediately turned around to see whether someone was there. To her relief, the hallway was as deserted as before. Though her comfort didn’t last long for a frenzy of whispers, rustling, hushed voices, and rattling noises had erupted soon after. It was nowhere near loud but compared to the deafening silence it seemed almost unbearable.

Ivy felt herself starting to panic as fear crept up her throat, making it hard to breathe. She had to get out of that hallway as soon as possible. As she turned and turned, figuring which way to go and which way she had come from, the noises began to pick up in volume. With her nails digging painfully into the skin of her upper arms she decided on one direction and broke into a run without looking back.

Ivy felt as if she was going crazy; hearing noises, taking pills, seeing things that weren’t there. _Why was she like this?_ Fortunately, her frustration caused her to run even faster. Even when her legs continued to protest beneath her to slow down - though her feet had gone numb a long time ago - and her lungs were demanding more air, she wouldn’t stop running. She had to somehow get back to her room and her bed, and to Tom whispering sweet comforting words to her.

If the darkness wasn’t impeding her vision enough, the tears forming in her eyes were definitely not helping. Through the blurriness she could barely see that she had to turn to the left on the next corner but somehow still managed to stumble along into the right direction. Just as she’d regained her footing she felt her body crash into something with full force and speed and was thrown backwards onto the floor.

She gasped in surprise when she felt her back hitting the cold tiles and shrieked when hot liquid suddenly splashed all over her legs and feet. It did little to warm up her frozen limbs but instead caused an unpleasant stinging sensation on her skin. It made the tears that were dwelling in her eyes escape and roll down her cheeks. Her body felt like it had forgotten how to move, let alone make any indication to get up. So she just sat there on the floor, too afraid to look up at her surroundings and what had happened.

Her bottom lip was quivering as she forced herself to take in a deep breath and do the best to clear her head. When she felt movement above her head it took all of her willpower not to shrink back. Ivy barely registered what they were doing. Someone had picked up the now empty cup from the floor, which had held the liquid that splashed across her legs, and set it aside. She could feel a hand hovering above her legs for a split second but it was gone just as quickly. 

Suddenly there were two fingers placed beneath her chin and though they were ever so gentle, she couldn't help but let out an involuntary whimper. It was more out of surprise than pain though, and she allowed them to guide her movements until she was fully looking up. Even through the blurriness of tears she could clearly make out the face that was staring down at her with deep concern and grim frown lines.

“Derek?” she whispered.


	8. Chapter 8

Ivy was met by a look that must have somewhat mirrored her own expression. For a few seconds Derek simply stared at her, his face a display of shock and surprise. The moment didn't last long though as he quickly regained his composure and knelt down to her eye level. He gently put his hand on the small of her back to help her sit up straighter and decided to keep it there to steady her even after she did.

"Are you alright?" It was merely a breath and Ivy forced herself not to shiver at the sound of his voice. His eyes were searching hers but she kept her gaze locked onto the floor. There were small driblets of brown liquid splattered across the tiles, surrounding the area where she was sitting. She then noticed the abandoned cup that Derek had dropped as they collided and recognized it as the coffee cup Tom had given him earlier.

Derek's gaze kept boring into the side of her face and she remembered that she hadn't answered his question yet. Not trusting her voice to form cohesive words she simply nodded her head in reply. She wasn't even sure whether he believed her or not but he wasn't protesting as he let out a breath and allowed his body to slouch forward a bit. Whatever tension had caused him to stiffen his shoulders seemed to have vanished as he allowed himself to lean closer to her.

"Let me help you up," he said as his hand ghosted from her back over and down her arm to eventually grab her hand. Despite his words, he didn't make any further effort to get them off the floor. Subconsciously, Ivy started to move her legs and make an attempt to stand up when she remembered that they were still soaked in coffee. Derek must have noticed her gaze lingering on her wet limbs since he also turned his head to stare at them. Ivy suddenly felt very exposed sitting there in her thin hospital gown.

She forced herself to gulp before opening her mouth to speak.

"I should get this cleaned up," she said, although it still came out sounding weaker than she had intended to. Derek merely nodded at that and moved to hook his right arm under her legs. It took Ivy a second to realize what was happening before she promptly shifted out of his grasp.

"What are you doing?" she asked, despite being quite sure what his response would be. She was almost mentally preparing herself to roll her eyes at him even though it didn't quite seem like the right thing to do at that moment.

"You're not going to walk like this," he simply replied and a rush of familiarity washed over Ivy. Discussions like this had been an every day basis in their communication, where he could just end every conversation with a snap of his fingers whenever he wanted. Or whenever he felt like a topic wasn't worth discussing anymore. Ivy knew that and there were few occasions where she would test her boundaries and see how far she could get him to retreat out of his shell.

For some unexplainable reason she felt bold enough to push her luck at that moment.

"You know I'm not sick, right?" she asked, looking at him with the slightest hint of a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. But it was true; she may have been in a hospital the past three days but there wasn't actually anything wrong with her. At least not physically. For all she knew she was ready to go back to her room, grab her things, change into normal clothes and go home again within the hour.

But the look in his eyes was screaming exactly the opposite. He had been treating her as if she could break at any moment and she felt increasingly frustrated by it. Though she knew and understood that the recent events gave him more than enough reasons to do so. It still felt like this was a side of Derek that she'd never experienced before and it was so unlike what she'd known. It was almost amusing how this was supposed to be the same man who threw a tantrum and yelled at her in rehearsal for not getting the vibrato right on one single note.

"I can still walk by myself," she pressed further, turning her head to look at him for the first time.  _Since that had turned out so great the last time_ , she quietly thought to herself.

"Don't be ridiculous. You'll only slip and fall again," he simply responded and it left no room for discussion. Still, she had expected it to sound a lot harsher but he kept his voice so low that she could easily hear the fatigue bleeding through the lines. He was tired of fighting and arguing, that much was very clear.

Ivy contemplated her decision for a moment, her eyes never leaving his face. They both were too stubborn to just let this go but it had been a long day – or  _days_  for that matter – and it didn't feel like anything worth arguing about any further.

"Fine," she sighed as she decided yet again to busy herself looking at the floor. If he was surprised by her answer he didn't let any evidence of it show on his face. His movements were smooth and determined as he once again hooked one arm under her legs and placed the other one steadily on her back. In a swift motion she felt herself being lifted off the floor and cradled securely in Derek's arms.

She tried to ignore how the coffee on her legs was soaking into the sleeve of his shirt and instead leaned in closer to his chest. Burying her face just below his shoulder, she could feel the warmth of his body radiating against her freezing limbs. As she breathed in his scent, a sense of familiarity and comfort hit her and all she could do was take in a few more deep breaths and close her eyes in content. Staying like this made it almost easy to forget everything that had happened and went wrong between them.

Ivy nearly didn't notice how her body was lowered the slightest bit when Derek bent forward to pick up the coffee cup and throw it in the trash can. The dulling echo of his footsteps against the tiled floor as well as the soft rise and fall of his chest against the side of her face were enough to lull her into unconsciousness. She barely felt herself swaying from side to side with each step Derek took before she was engulfed in a deep sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Ivy was pulled back to consciousness when she felt Derek slightly struggling to open the door. His hand was fumbling with the doorknob, trying not to move his arm too much and wake her from her sleep. He must have noticed that his attempt was unsuccessful since he could feel her stirring in his arms. Before she could say something, he kissed the top of her head and whispered to her to go back to sleep. Even if she'd wanted to she couldn't decline his offer. So she decided to just close her eyes again and huddle against his chest. Everything seemed to be so perfectly fine at that moment.

She barely registered the sound of the door opening and the shuffle of movements as they entered - what Ivy assumed to be - her room. To Ivy's dismay, her brief moment of serenity didn't last long. As soon as they had stepped in Tom had sprung to his feet and practically ran over to them. His hands were flailing in the air as he closely took in the scene before his eyes.

"Oh my God, what happened now," Tom's voice cut through the silence of the room. It mainly expressed his concern even though there was a hint of annoyance in it as well but she chose to ignore it. He had every right to feel that way. Ivy turned her face to look at Tom who was still eyeing her closely and frowned when he saw her soaked legs.

"It's nothing, Tom. I was just being clumsy," Ivy said looking at Tom though she knew he had a hard time believing her.

"In fact, I'm gonna go clean this up now," she continued determinedly and slightly wiggled her legs to give Derek a sign to let her down. When he made no move to do so, both Tom and Ivy looked at him expectedly. Without another word, he simply carried her into the en-suite bathroom on the far right of the room.

Although she wasn't able to see him from the angle she was being held, she could almost surely feel Tom shake his head at Derek's behavior. As soon as they stepped into the bathroom she couldn't help but notice how the air around them changed and became tenser. Derek refused to look at her or say a single word as he dragged the little stool from under the sink to the shower so that she could sit on it.

Ivy quietly stepped into the shower to grab the shower head before she complied and sat down, stretching out her legs so they were hovering above the drain. The warm water gently rained onto her skin as it began to wash away the remnants of the spilled coffee. It was enough to distract her from the fact that Derek was standing right behind her when he suddenly moved forward to grab the shower head out of her hand. The action was nowhere near aggressive yet couldn't have been more determined.

Ivy quickly turned to look up at him in surprise but his gaze was unfalteringly focused on her legs.

"You know I can do that myself," she said, trying to hide the irritation in her voice. If she hadn't known better, she would have guessed that he didn't hear what she'd said since he was blatantly ignoring her. Derek simply crouched down next to her and continued with the task she had started. She tried to meet his eyes again but every attempt was plainly brushed off.

"Derek, please look at me. You have to stop treating me like I'm going to break." She sounded a tinge more desperate this time but it still wasn't enough to get through to Derek. When he still made no motion to hand over the shower head, Ivy shifted her legs so they were out of his reach and stared directly at his face.

The tension in the room was weighing heavy on her as her chest tightened and the breaths she was taking seemed unable to provide her lungs with the sufficient amount of air she needed. Derek must have felt it too since he was glaring at her, a mixture of annoyance and anger pooling in his eyes.

"Derek, what's wrong?" Ivy demanded, trying not to let her emotions control the sound of her voice too much.

"You almost died! That's what's wrong," he yelled. Ivy immediately flinched at his response for she didn't expect his voice to be so loud. She was sure Tom must have heard him from the other side of the door.

"Do you know how scary it was to find you like that?" he continued, not caring or giving her time to form a reply. "Do you know what it felt like to wait for  _days_  for you to wake up, not knowing if you ever would?"

"I'm s-" Ivy tried to apologize.

"Bloody hell Ivy, do you even understand what you were doing?" It wasn't meant as a question. Ivy wasn't even sure whether it had been fully directed at her though it didn't seem to matter at that moment.

"I'm sor-" Yet again her attempts were left ignored.

"You were going to kill yourself!" Derek interrupted her again. He was visibly getting more and more upset with every passing second. His hand furiously ran through his hair, making it appear like an even bigger mess than before. Dark features were studying her intensively, this time waiting for a reaction.

"I know! Don't you think I know that Derek," Ivy snapped at him, surprised at how loud her voice suddenly sounded. Derek must have been too since he was staring at her, looking completely stunned as if processing what she'd just said. Then, without another word, he got up as his tall frame was towering above her. It almost seemed intimidating but then she remembered that this was  _Derek_ , who was just as tired as her – probably more so – because he'd refused to sleep whilst waiting for her to wake up.

A slight feeling of guilt imbued with panic was rising in Ivy's chest. Too many of their arguments had ended with him simply walking away and she was tired of him shutting her out. It was beyond time for them to face the problems at hand; even if that meant reliving unpleasantries and discussing things both of them would rather not talk about.

"I'm sorry," Ivy sighed. "I wasn't thinking. It was- I was caught up in the moment, it wasn't like I had planned it," she slowly got quieter with each word until her voice was barely above a whisper. The reality of what she had done never felt so present before. It hit her like a wave of shame rolling over her, drowning her, and it took her a few seconds until she could breathe again.

Once she felt like she'd regained most of her composure and wouldn't crumble into a million pieces upon facing him, Ivy shifted so she could look him in the eye. When he still gave no hint of offering a reply, she pressed further, her voice still scarcely about a whisper.

"Please believe me, Derek. It wasn't something I'd thought of before. It's just that at that moment I felt very overwhelmed by  _everything_."

The room was silent except for the sound of water trickling down the drain. Ivy was almost mentally preparing herself for him to turn and leave. Just when she thought he would do so, he let out the slightest huff of air as his shoulders slouched forward, though the tension in them remained very intact. When he spoke up his voice matched her own and Ivy had to strain to catch every word.

"Was it because of something I've done?"


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, here's the last chapter of this story! I never expected it to be this long since it'd just started with a sentence that popped into my head while I was watching the season 1 finale. But I'm so glad that there're still people interested in reading SMASH fanfics and that the fandom is still (somewhat) alive.  
> So, thank you to everyone for reading & I hope you enjoy this last chapter!  
> Please also take a second to like and/or review, it'd mean the world to me (:  
> ~ Jo

_"_ _Was it because of something I've done?"_

* * *

Ivy blinked at first, processing each syllable that was left hanging in the air between them. She was surprised by how much vulnerability he'd allowed to escape with one sentence. And then it hit her. The reason behind why he was acting as if she would shatter to pieces if he weren't handling her with enough delicacy and care. In the midst of this madness he was clandestinely blaming himself for what had happened.

She quickly reached out to grab his hands, her fingers wrapping tightly around his.

"Derek no, no of course not. Whatever choices you've made, they'd been for the show and I understand."  _Or at least she'd tried to_ ; and even though her attempts were mostly to no avail he didn't need to know that.

"Nothing you've done could have changed my decision," she added.  _This one was mostly true_. Still, there was no point in placing blame on Derek for what she'd done, especially since there'd been so many more contributing factors. It would have been to no avail anyway for he was so strongly convinced that he did the right thing. He actually believed that his actions were resting on what was best for the production, almost blindly neglecting the fact that they had hurt Ivy.

She pushed aside those thoughts, yet again reminding herself that she was in no place to blame him for how she'd acted. She was a grown woman who could make her own decisions.

"Ivy, why are you lying to me," his voice was calm and calculated, though she could easily spot how tired he still sounded. She nearly scoffed at how he acted like he was the only one who was exhausted and irritated by their arguing. And damn him for always being able to see right through her. Though this seemed to be the first time he'd called her out on it; probably because it was the first time he actually  _cared_. Ivy could feel herself getting worked up all over again.

"What? You have no right to call me a liar. Not after what you've done." In an attempt to keep her voice down the words came out in sharp hisses.

"What have I done? I've never lied to you. Every time you asked, I was completely honest with you," he stated so matter-of-factly Ivy would have almost believed it if she hadn't known better. This was the Derek she'd known; the one who'd play mind tricks and twist the truth in his own way just to get the best performance possible out of her. But this wasn't about performing or theatre or even Marilyn, this was real, this was about her life, it was about  _their_  lives.

"Oh, so what if I hadn't asked? You just wouldn't have told me that you were trying to sleep with every leading actress in this goddamn production?" A look of bitterness swept across her face and she could feel the anger curling and swirling in her gut at the memory.

"You know, you can go sleeping around with every single person you can get your hands on but whenever the mess you've created is too big for you to fix, you come running back to me." She was done with being the second choice. She was done waiting for him to call her, telling her she was relevant just to be ignored all over again the next day at rehearsal.

"Ivy," he sighed.

"I know you're a smart girl. I didn't need to tell you that for you to know." He decided to ignore the rest of what she'd said, mainly because he knew that she was right. But that would be another discussion for another time.

"Apparently I am or at least I'm smarter than you are," she jeered. It seemed almost hysterical at how – just like that – the tables had turned. She hadn't even planned on bringing it up but her emotions were overruling her brain and they kept on urging her to show him what she'd felt like after finding out about him and Rebecca. When Derek only looked at her in confusion she continued to speak.

"I slept with Karen's fiancé." For the first time in a while, Ivy was glad that she was an actress. She'd managed to sound so confident, almost as if being on stage, where she delivered her line with perfect precision laced with a touch of malice. However, the moment the words escaped her lips she felt a stinging sensation tugging at her chest as though she was crying on the inside.

Ivy had to admit that Derek made a very good attempt at hiding his reaction, whether it was shock, anger or disgust. Possibly all three. But she knew him too well to miss the signs that he was boiling beneath the surface. His knuckles were turning white from being clenched into fists so hard while the frown line between his brows deepened just the slightest bit. His jaw was tightly locked into place as he clenched his teeth together, attempting to keep his irritation solely to himself.  _So he hadn't known after all._

"I guess I deserved that," he finally said. His statement took her by surprise. Of all the things she'd expected him to say and all the ways he could have reacted, he'd decided to, somewhat, take her side? It left Ivy feeling confused more than anything, her anger slowly but surely dying down. And just like that all her defenses were broken down again and whatever feelings she'd locked in so firmly flooded to the surface.

"No you didn't. It was awful. I shouldn't have done it," she retorted, shaking her head, this time allowing her emotions to genuinely show through. It still was one of her greatest regrets in her career and life.

"So we're even then," he said stone-faced, turning away from her. It was very clear that he was still upset and angered by her statement.

"I'm sorry," Ivy said quietly, ignoring the tightness in her chest. She silently wondered how Derek could've acted so unnerved after sleeping with Rebecca when she'd done nothing but beat herself up for days on end for sleeping with Dev.

"You keep apologizing," Derek noted and Ivy was relieved to find his voice sounding lighter than it had before.

"Well, I keep giving myself reasons to do so," she shrugged, trying to offer him the slightest hint of a smile. Her attempt fell flat as it did nothing to lighten his mood this time and he continued to grimly gaze at her.

"Are you really?" he asked despite his tone making it sound more of an accusation.

"What?" she straight up asked. Ivy was tired of guessing and trying to figure out what he'd thought she had done wrong this time. There always was  _something_  that he was unhappy about.

"Sorry." He practically spat out the word, his emotions taking the upper hand this time.

"What do you mean?" she asked, her brows furrowing in a low line.

"You keep saying that you're sorry – but are you really? Do you even understand the extent of your actions? What they put other people through?" He made sure that each word was coated with just enough acidity, cutting her sharp as a knife. It hurt, a lot, but Ivy was done getting hurt by other people.

"Well that's rich coming from someone who  _never_  cares about anyone's feelings but his own," Ivy burst out, her face suddenly feeling hot. He had no right talking to her that way, not after what he'd done and how easily he'd gotten away with it.

Derek was silent for a minute. She could almost hear the cogwheels in his head turning as he was thinking of what to say next and an array of possible scenarios kept playing in her head.

"I care about you, Ivy," Derek eventually said with, what she assumed to be, all the sincerity he could muster. That wasn't what she'd expected. Ivy's heart skipped a beat as she let the words sink in. At that moment, it would have been so easy to give in to him and fall back into old patterns. Let him sweep her off her feet again and continue the way they had before. But that was what had led them here in the first place and she was done with being toyed with.

"Is that your version of 'I'm sorry'?" Ivy asked.

His lips turned into the slightest smirk. Then his face fell again as he stayed quiet for a few moments, contemplating what Ivy had said earlier. The feeling of anger and frustration and jealousy that had risen in his chest when she'd mentioned Dev. Was that what she had felt like when he'd slept with Rebecca? Back then he'd thought that everything between them had been casual and merely on a physical level. But that had been proven to be so wrong.

"I  _am_  sorry, Ivy," Derek finally said. Ivy stared at him in silence, letting her gaze drift over every single feature of his face. Then her lips turned upwards into a smile as her eyes were sparkling.

"I don't think I've ever heard you say those words before," she remarked happily.

"I don't plan on making a habit of it," Derek said and though he sounded grumpy, he smiled back at her. It was the closest thing to him being content that she'd seen in quite a while. Still, she couldn't help but roll her eyes the tiniest bit at it.

"Apology accepted," she said, unable to ignore the feeling of warmth that was spreading through her chest and rising to her cheeks, tingeing them a deep shade of pink.

"And Derek, I care about you too."


End file.
